Wedding Invite!

So, It has finally happened.

You have been invited to a wedding in Japan! Now let's get ready to go party!

Wait, you actually have some steps to follow first. Japanese weddings tend to have quite a few rules of politeness that you must follow.

But let's start by looking at an overview of Japanese weddings.

Wedding Overview

First, Weddings in Japan (like some other countries) are ALL DAY EVENTS!

I'm going to a wedding in July that starts at 9:00AM but I have to be there by 8:30 at the latest. I asked how late we would probably be out and was told till maybe 9:00PM or even later if I go to the after parties... so at least 12 hours for just the wedding!

Japanese weddings have an interesting blend of tradition and western influence.

Weddings, like most, normally start with an official ceremony either at a shrine or a church (for those looking for a more western style wedding.

Shrine Wedding: the bride and groom usually wear Japanese wedding kimono. The bride wears a white wedding kimono called "uchikake" with a white headdress. The headdress is big and bulky and is said to hide the bride's "horns" as a symbol of submission. The groom's kimono is usually black and has his family's symbol embroidered on it in white.

Only close family members and the matchmakers (nakodo) attend the wedding ceremony. The mothers of the bride and groom are often dressed in "tomesode," which are formal, black kimono embroidered with colorful designs. The men wear black suits with white ties. A Shinto wedding ceremony starts with the priest offering prayers to the gods.

The couple is purified, and the groom gives his oath to the bride. The couple partakes of "san-san-kudo." This is literally, 3 x 3 = 9. The bride and groom share three nuptial cups of sake. Each takes three sips from the small, medium, and large cups. The ceremony ends with symbolic offerings to the gods. Many couples now exchange wedding rings, which is one of the traditions borrowed from the West.

Christian church: conducted by a minister or priest. Several couples opt for two wedding ceremonies - one Shinto and one Christian. This is not because the bride and/or groom necessarily believe in the Christian faith, but because it is fashionable. Though that is not to say that all who chose to have a a Christian wedding are not believers.

Receiving your invite, now to RSVP

An RSVP postcard is included with the invitation that is already stamped and addressed to the host/hostess.

Now here is where the etiquette gets interesting.  The address will say the return addressee's name in kanji and below that  行 (iki) which, in this case, basically means "To:"  This is written in very humble form because they are giving themselves no title.  As the recipient you should cross this out and write 様 (sama) which is the most formal way of writing Mr. or Mrs.

Now the other side. There are two options, 御出席 (go shusseki/ attend) or 御欠席 (go gekkeki/ not attend). You just need to circle the one you are going to do. Then fill in your name, address, and phone number.  The card is written in the most formal language, so it is polite to cross out the ご in order to be more humble.

This is the basic way. But I have seen that you can personalize it by drawing pictures. So I broke some of the formality in order to be cute. We'll see what she thinks after she gets it cause then you should mail it in the post! I forgot to take a picture of my final product but you can get the idea. I remind you that these illustrations seem to have started just to hide the part of "not attend". It´s a lot of effort just for that purpose, but I feel that if you are close it is nice.

Here is an example of one Idid just recently for my coworker's wedding!

Dollar, dollar bill, y'all!

The most traditional sort of wedding reception is a large party including family and employers where guests are expected to give money as a gift in a specific gift envelop.  The bills should be new and crisp(If you go to the Bank and ask for , and the typical amount is 30,000 yen (about $300).  20,000 yen is considered unlucky because it can easy be divided in half, and can symbolize the couple breaking up. 4 and 9 are also unlucky numbers because they can be pronounced the same way as the words for death and suffering, so 40,000 and 90,000 yen are never appropriate either.  Even if you can't attend you are expected to give this gift, so let's hope you don't know a lot of people getting married around the same time!

The wedding gift should be put in a standard envelope called the "shugibukuro" used for weddings. These are available at convenience stores and stationary stores, but be sure to get the right one --you don't want to accidentally pick up one used for funerals or any other purposes. It's not too hard to place the money inside just be careful not to damage the envelop in the process Put your name on the envelope and hand this to the receptionist on the wedding day.

Here is the one I used for the previous RSVP card I showed earlier! Can you se a theme?

Time to party!

Japanese wedding banquets start on time and follow the schedule that you will handed after registering your attendance. The wedding procedures henceforth are fairly standard, with a speech from friends, by the couple themselves, ring exchange, perhaps even an exchange of vows, cake cutting and several costume changes for the bride a the couple goes round toasting the thanking the crowd.

There won’t be dancing, be warned, so keep your groovy mood for the after party. But you’ll see a series of speeches by the guests, usually one by the groom’s boss, the bride’s boss and one by each of the two’s friends. Don’t be afraid to shed a tear even if you don’t understand a thing they say, because that’s part of the celebration. You’ll see many cry, especially when the newlyweds play a self-made video, describing their childhood, how they met and what led them to tying the knot. Another teary moment occurs when the bride will read a letter addressed to her parents, in which she recalls moments of her upbringing and rite of passage, ended by a moving speech on her gratitude for their struggles when raising her. The groom will usually stand close to the bride, wiping away her tears and holding the microphone for her. He is not expected to read a letter, but usually will say a few words addressed to his parents as well. This part usually concludes the wedding, followed by a farewell video, filled with “Thank Yous” for your presence on their big day.

At the end of the meal, do remember to take the bag under your chair. It's a gift given in thanks from the newly-wedded couple, usually given in the form of sweets and pastries called "hikigashi," or even fancier gifts, such as cutlery or glasses, known as "hikidemono." In some cases there may be a gift catalogue in lieu of a gift, from which you are later free to choose an item. Whatever the case, once the food has been eaten and the gifts scooped up, the couple and their parents will be at the exit to thank you for coming; do remember to thank them for the lovely wedding ceremony and gift, even if you tell them in English!

Congratulate the happy couple with “Gokekkon omedetou gozaimasu (ご結婚おめでとうございます)!”

How to dress?

This is pretty obvious and similar to Western tradition, but there are some extra rules that must be followed.

As a woman, you are expected to dress in something that is not too revealing (nothing strapless and it should be below the knee, but you don’t want it too low or risk it looking like a bridal dress). No excessive jewelry, but small and dainty ones are okay. You MUST wear a shawl which can be see-through or opaque. You also must not wear white as this is the color the bride will wear.

For men, it’s pretty simple. Wear a good suit in simple colors such as black, and a tie is a must, of course. Other colors are okay within reason. Also, don’t wear a white suit for obvious reasons.

It may seem like a lot of rules, but once you have them down, you can have fun with it. Follow these rules, avoid taboo colors, and you should be good to go!

Have fun and enjoy the wedding!